I’ve decided after everything that life has put before me, all the obstacles, all the heartaches, all the tears and stress, that I am not below begging for money to help get me to a better place.
One of my favorite college professors once told me that the dumbest question is the one that isn’t asked. So I’m asking…..for help.
This gofundme thing inspired me. I’ve seen people get donations for all sorts of things. Some things are major, like hospital debts, others are not so major, like sending a dog from one state to another.
I tried using this site to help cremate my mother when she passed a few months ago. My goal was $3000. $1000 of it was to cremate her, the rest was to pay some of the debts she had left me. I thought that it would be a no brainer posting to my facebook for all my friends to see that this was something major, but apparently to them it wasn’t so and all I got was $600. After gofundme took out their portion, I had a whopping $545 to cremate my mom. This wasn’t enough so I had to call a cousin, who stepped in and paid for the cremation. I was grateful for him, but unfortunately for my facebook friends, I was left feeling really super unloved. I’ve known some of them for ever. They all knew my situation with my mom while I was her caretaker….and yet when I really needed it most of them didn’t even contribute a buck. For goodness sake, a dog got $4000 to be shipped to another state and I can’t get enough to cremate my mom? What is wrong with this society when a dog is more important than a human being?
I was and forever will be grateful to the people who did contribute. They knew it was major and they gave from their heart. I would’ve done the same thing with no questions asked. So why didn’t a majority of my friends contribute? I understand they aren’t all drowning in money, but the friends who could have contributed didn’t. I have been working on my bitterness since this happened. I actually stopped going on facebook because of it. I just cannot stomach their frivolous spending posts knowing they couldn’t help me with so much as a dollar to cremate my mom.
Then, the other day, I found myself at a stress level that I know isn’t healthy. I don’t want to die yet but I know this level of stress will be what does me in. Here is my story:
When my mom had her stroke she recovered at a convalescent home for 3 months. Each day of those 3 months I dropped off my son at school and went to see my mom for breakfast. I would stay with her for 2 hours, go home to manage things there, then I’d go back to see my mom for lunch, and then I’d be the one who tucked her in bed at night. She was scared being there. Some of the nurses were a little rough with her but with me being there she was able to feel safe. During that time I learned how to help her get to the bathroom. I learned that she needed help pulling her pants down and pulling them back up. I learned how to dress her and how to balance her when she tried to stand. I learned how to clean her if she had an accident in bed. I learned how to change her bedsheets while she was still on the bed. I learned that she had lost a little bit of sight from her stroke so I found her a ginormous magnifier so she could read her books.
Most of all though, I learned that my once mobile mother, my yard sale buddy, my thrift store pal, the woman who would run to my car whenever I’d pick her up to grab lunch, was forever gone. She wasn’t going to come back either. We could hope for some recovery, but that was far reaching and, in the end she never did recover. That alone was very hard on my mom’s emotions. I remember sitting down with her and having the truth talk where I had to remind her that she at least didn’t die and that I would be there for her, always!
When those 3 months were over, the fact was that she couldn’t live on her own anymore. My husband and I moved her into our home and I nursed her back to something that resembled my mom. I did physical therapy with her, I changed her diet and managed to rid her of the diabetes the stroke had produced in her body. I bathed her, fed her, shopped for her, cooked for her, took her to every doctor appointment she had set up, I held her when she cried out of fear and frustration. I managed her medications, which at the time were a total of seven different ones, I fought the doctor on some meds that needed to be adjusted or just outright taken out of her daily supply based on what they were doing to her. Some made her sick, some were completely unnecessary. I never understood the need for the latter meds or why they were prescribed to her but one doctor’s assistant tried explaining to me that it was standard procedure. Yeah. My mom was now just a number to them.
Months later she went to stay with my sister. There are things that happened that caused this that are an entirely different blog altogether, and perhaps those things just need to be put in a box and buried to save our family anymore unhappiness they’ve already caused. In any event, she was there for a good minute and during her time at my sister’s I went through a divorce and I moved to another city. I found myself raising my last child alone and in a city I wasn’t really familiar with. My son had his moments of stress trying to find new friends, leaving his old friends, and adjusting to a new school, but we were good. We were happy and safe and things were looking positive for us. Then something really terrible happened and I found myself moving my mom back in with me. I never minded this because I loved that woman. She was my mom. She was my friend. She was my prayer warrior.
During her time with us, she developed dementia. My plan to find a job and get us a bigger place to live was put to a halt with that disease. More and more of my time spent with her was going into things I had no idea how to deal with. One of those things was her sneaking out in the middle of the night. She would walk out of the house at midnight and cruise the streets in her pajamas. Our street had been made aware of 4 different bear sightings in as many months, so her roaming the streets was not only dangerous in that she could get lost, but with the bears it could very well have been deadly. Supermarket shopping was limited to 20 minutes because any more time would have sent her roaming the streets again looking for me. I had nobody to help me. No family member to come take the load or the stress off. Nobody came to visit her. At one time, someone from my family actually had the audacity to call the police and accuse me of leaving my mom home alone for 3-4 days at a time based on a phone call they received from my mom saying I was never home, which was just not the truth. My mom’s dementia had gotten so bad that if I wasn’t in the same room with her she would think I wasn’t home at all.
My income was limited to whatever my mom got from social security and what I got in child support. I got so desperate that I figured I’d look for work and deal with my moms care when I got a job. There was hope for one particular job. I thought I had that one for sure, but during the interview they kept asking about how I was going to be able to care for my mom and show up for work everyday. They knew about my mom because my friend who referred me had mentioned it to them. It was an innocent inclusion on his part when he referred me, but it was detrimental to my getting the job. After that I didn’t get any calls for interviews to any of the million places I had applied to. Things were really looking bleak.
Because of the lack of income and being unable to pay my bills I was evicted. I had gotten behind on my car payments and there was no way I was going to be able to make up the difference. We found ourselves an hour and a half away from home living on the floor of my friend house, I was at this point driving a stolen vehicle. My friend and I decided we could actually save money if we combined what we had and move into a bigger place. This actually helped enough that we weren’t starving but not enough to catch up on my car payments, and finally, 2 years later, I lost my car.
One month before losing my car, my child’s father decided he didn’t want to pay child support anymore so I lost that income, and two weeks after losing my car, I lost my mom. Now here I sit with no income and freaking the hell out. I have applied to numerous places and by the grace of God I got hired at Del Taco. This probably never would have happened if it weren’t for one of my son’s friends who works there and put in a good word for me. So I get hired there, signed all the employment paperwork and I’m stoked….but I haven’t received any hours yet.
My rent is due today. I don’t have the rent. I live in a house full of stress and unhappiness. There is a job opening at the Von’s in my old neighborhood that I am positive I could get because they all know me there and I’m friends with everyone at that store…they could put in a good word for me. I know the manager. This would be my job, I know it, but I don’t live there and I don’t have a car to get to an interview there. Being cooped up in this house with my mom has limited my contact with people so I don’t have friends here that could loan me their car, not to mention how bad I’d feel even asking them to do that for me. It’s bad enough asking for rides to the supermarket but to borrow someones car? Yowza.
So, I created a gofundme account to help me get a car and get back into Los Angeles. I have sent an email to a pastor I know asking if he knew of anyone that could rent me a small place and give me grace on the rent until my hours at Del Taco are regular. I asked him to refer me to anyone he knew who is hiring. I’m willing to scrub floors or walk dogs. I will clean their house or their yard. I’m not above doing what needs to be done for survival. Until I get any word from him or any of the other people I’ve asked for help, including my ex husband, and ex boyfriend, a couple of friends from my hometown, and some relatives, I am going to play with the idea that I can reach out for help and let’s just see if I can be more important to people than a dog.
The link to my gofundme account is:
I’m begging for this to go viral. If anything will make me believe I have value it would be that this fund reaches its goal. I am begging you all. Can you help me?