The C word

13 Aug 2011 Leave a Comment

by Mandie in Daily Thoughts

Just over a month ago I noticed a lump in my right breast that hurt to touch, some mornings the pain would wake me from my sleep. I decided to see my doctor about it and she directed me to the Hill Breast Center in Pasadena for a mammogram. I had to call in advance to schedule an appointment and while I was doing that the scheduler noticed my doctor’s order was only for a unilateral exam. This was true since my lump is in only one breast, but the scheduler pointed out that since I had missed my regular annual exam she was changing the order to a bilateral exam, lucky for me as y’all will soon find out.

Mammogram day I took my boyfriend with me. He wanted to be there because he was concerned but I think I took him more for emotional support than anything. It was routine pretty much. They did the mammogram and, because I had an obvious lump, they did an ultrasound. I’ve had lumps that needed ultrasounds before but because this one hurt I was concerned. Checking my right breast they found that the lump there was just a fibroid and nothing to worry about. They called it Fibrocystic Breast Condition, which is common in women my age and thankfully they’re almost always benign. That was great news and I was relieved. I asked to see it (I’m weird like that) and the technician humored me. Yes it was what I’ve seen before. It looked like another one I had the year before so I was breathing a sigh of relief, but then they told me they needed to ultrasound my left breast as well. I didn’t have any issues with my left breast so I questioned the necessity of the ultrasound and that was when the technician told me about my mammogram. She said they found a couple of small lesions in that breast and they concerned the doctor so they wanted a better look. Great.

The ultrasound on my left breast seemed to take forever. I’d say it was somewhere around 30 or 40 minutes, whereas the right breast ultrasound only took 7-8 minutes. Saying I was getting nervous is an understatement. I asked to see this one since it was starting to freak me out and this time the technician wasn’t as quick to humor me. She was completely focused on one particular area and my request seemed to fall on deaf ears. Finally she finished and told me she was going to show the doctor my ultrasound and she’d be back in a few minutes. Five minutes went by, then eight, then ten. I counted the tiles on the ceiling, got off the table and sat on the chair. I was getting pretty restless when the door popped open and the doctor came in. She walked right up to me and grabbed both my hands. Oh crap, I thought to myself. Something isn’t right.

The doctor looked me in the eyes and told me that there were some lesions they checked out that looked questionable and they wanted a biopsy on one in particular. Biopsy. I don’t like that word. I liked it even worse because of the way things were going down in that there room. I’ve never seen the doctor after having an ultrasound. All my cysts have been benign and they’re so obvious most of the time the doctor doesn’t even bat an eye, but this time having her there, holding my hands. Well, it scared me. That’s the truth.

The doctor asked me if I wanted to do the biopsy right then and there or if I wanted to wait for the next day. Heck, I was already half dressed and there. I told her let’s do it now and get it over with. She was happy I made that decision and made a mad dash out to grab her torture tools. Meanwhile the technician offered me some water. I think she could tell my mouth was dry. I’m sure she’s seen her share of these moments and she was just the perfect woman for this job as she was extremely gentle and caring.

The doc came in with her tools. She showed me two needles. One for a numbing shot and the other, the big ginormous needle, was my biopsy needle. It was huge and intimidating so I tried to ignore it. They did the biopsy while using the ultrasound machine so the doctor could see where she was going, this was when I finally got to see. In all of my years of having cysts and ultrasounds I’ve never seen one that looked like this. It reminded me of a crater on the moon but it was a protrusion and not a hole, and it wasn’t very “nice” looking. It was kinda scary looking to be perfectly honest.

She took 5 samples of it to biopsy and when she was done she injected a little thing she called a flag (it was more like a tiny chip) next to the cyst for “future” studies of this damn thing. I was sent for another mammogram, which by this time I was so hungry I asked if I really needed to be there for the results of that one. They told me they’d either call me the next day or I could call them after 3 for the results and I was told I could leave and leave I did. What an emotional and crappy day that was.

The next day I didn’t hear anything so I called them myself. I got the results, the tissue they took was benign but the cyst they discovered was pre-cancerous, known to turn into cancer and I need it yanked out. I asked if I could keep it in and the doc told me no, it needs to come out, plain and simple.

Three days before my scheduled appointment to see the surgeon I received my court signed documents telling me I was officially divorced. My insurance was cool up to that point. After the divorce was official my insurance went out the window. Trying to not freak out, since I now have this growth that needs to be removed and I will no longer be able to rely on my insurance to cover the cost, I looked into Cobra. I’ll receive some information for that in the mail any day now…unfortunately I won’t be able to afford it. My trust in God is being tested.

My regular doctor called to see what was going on with my surgery and I let her know my insurance information. Her assistant referred me to a place in Pasadena called The CHAP clinic, she also forwarded my plight to an on-sight social worker who, just today, emailed me some numbers to call for some sort of assistance. That everyone is scrambling to help me get this taken out has made me realize the seriousness of this, but what got me the most was what the social worker said in his voice message to me. “I’m going to email you some information for financial assistance for your cancer treatment”. Okay, he used the C word. Was it a fluke? Does he know something I don’t?

For what it’s worth, the stress level this is giving me isn’t helping me at all. I have friends who have cancer, have had cancer, have had cancer scares. My most valuable resource are those who are currently fighting it off. Their grace throughout all of it makes them my heroes. I may be looking fate right in the eyeballs, or I may not be. It’s a matter of time before I know exactly what I’m dealing with. Until then all I can do is trust that my God’s got this. And to be clear, if it’s cancer that takes my life it’s not because God didn’t answer my prayers, it will just be that cancer was my destiny.

Randy has been my rock through all of this. He’s positive and he’s willing to do whatever he can to see me through it regardless what it turns out to be. I love that he cares so much and I am beyond blessed to have him in my life.

I will be making a few calls this week to see what my options are as far as getting this yuck taken out and I’m going to try to maintain an ongoing blog about it, the steps I’ll be taking for assistance, the people put into place that will help me along the way, my surgery, the followups and the final diagnosis once the entire thing has been biopsied. This will be for anyone who may find themselves put in a similar situation. Perhaps it can help them. Knowing your options is always a good thing, right?

Now I find myself thinking of the doughnut I want to inhale and the nap I want to take with my honey. Thanks for reading my blog and may the rest of your weekend be as awesome as life itself.

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