The Constant Let Down

11 Aug 2011 Leave a Comment

by Mandie in Daily Thoughts

Monday evening I came home from the beach with Randy to find my mother on the porch-steps of our neighbor (not a very friendly fellow) asking for his assistance calling someone. Evidently, she was freaking out because I wasn’t home (I’d been away for over 24 hours), and even though my son told her where I was and that I was fine my mom still freaked because that’s what she is…..a freak. At this age I can understand her having a bit of forgetfulness and anxiety, but when it’s on a constant basis (daily) it starts to become a bit much for me. It’s frustrating to say the least. But this is not what the discussion of today is. Today I wanted to talk about our spoken words to our children and how they can hurt.

I managed to wait patiently for her to come back into my apartment and approached her about what exactly it was she was trying to do with my neighbor when she got close to me, made a scratching motion towards my face and said, “What is that? Let me scratch that off. You’re too dark. It doesn’t look good.”

Normally this would not have an impact on most 45 year old daughters of mothers who are becoming senile by the day, however this isn’t the first opportunity she’s had to throw insults my way about my coloring (mind you I’m almost the same hue as she with a bit more emphasis on the dark side because of my maternal great-grandmother’s Yaqui bloodline when I tan), no, in fact she’s made comments about my skin color for as long as I can remember, but never has she sneered like she did Monday, with her nails imitating a scratching motion towards my face, and never before did her comments feel as if they ripped my soul to shreds and made me feel so damn ugly.

I told her that this is who I am, I am dark, not light. I think I rose my voice a bit, and I know it was shaking as I was hurt to my core. It still hurts 3 days later, shoot. I looked at Randy and I’m sure I looked hurt or he just reads me well, and he walked up to me, told me he thinks I’m beautiful and gave me a hug. That was very nice and it almost did what it was supposed to do, help me get over the hurt, but damn if I couldn’t shake my mom’s hurtful insult and I went to the bathroom and cried. This got me thinking…

I wondered how often and to what extent, if any, of damage I have ever done to any of my children with my words. My idea of a parent is that they’re supposed to hold up their children’s confidence with kind and positive words, pointing out the good in them, keeping them feeling safe and unified in the family. Insults should be kept at a non-existent level, in other words, they should just not be said, and if there are issues or conflicts these should be dealt with in an open and honest dialog. Of course, this is my opinion and my children and my relationship hasn’t been perfect, but I know I’d never make reference to any of their skin tone (something they can’t change unless they’re Michael Jackson haha) unless I was pointing out how porcelain-like and perfect it is. Why my mother feels the need to constantly badger me about my skin tone is beyond me. Why she can’t get it through her head that her insults have done a ton of damage to my ego since I was a child is beyond me. Do I need to be tougher? Yes, unfortunately. Why I need to be tough in order to handle my own mother’s insults is wrong and should never be necessary but it is. What a crock of crap to have to deal with.

Now I’m off to cut the mean woman’s toenails because I’m a loving stupid daughter. I hope all who read this, all you parents out there, stop and think about the words you’re tossing at your children and remember that they have feelings and mean words hurt.

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