Testing testing

08 Apr 2011 Leave a Comment

by Mandie in Daily Thoughts

Earlier today I was reading a blog my ex-professor had written. He’s wetting his feet in the virtual world; blogging, and his voice is strong and confident. It inspired me to take my shoes off and stick a toe into the water to see if it’s as comforting as it’s been in the past.

See, this past year I had noticed I lost my “voice”. I actually went through some of my past blogs and seriously didn’t even recognize the person who wrote them. That’s when it dawned on me and, although it irritated me because I had so many things I’d shared, it also was an indication that I have grown, or morphed, and hopefully for the best. We shall see. I will attempt to find my voice tonight. The house is quiet, the kiddo is quietly playing video games, my mom is fast asleep, music is playing, tea is hot, Ding Dong is settled in my stomach, and life is good. Can you hear the quiet? I can, and I love it very much. Hopefully that quiet will simmer down the ever so overwhelming thoughts that plague me throughout the day, especially as of late, long enough to articulate some very fun and super exciting news that’s been going on in my life since I left my ex.

I have so much to share I don’t even know where to start. I suppose I could start where I left off. If memory serves right, I was attending a pretty cool church and trying to date an ex-boyfriend. As of today, the ex-boyfriend is no longer in the picture. No, well…..he just didn’t work out. There wasn’t the same goal going on there and we weren’t looking in the same direction. My path with God turned some things awry, things he couldn’t understand, and it was just better to end things when we ended them. Oh, and to those romantics of this world, here’s word to the wise: ex-boyfriends are ex-boyfriends for a reason. We should all just leave well enough alone in that department. Let it go, let him go, forget his name, blah blah blah. You get the picture. It’s a fatal mistake, I don’t care how many love stories you’ve heard about, they’re all lies and silly Cinderella dreams you want to wish into existence. They are dreams and memories. Leave them as such for your own sake….I’m begging you.

The break up was hard for us both. I am such a sucker sometimes, and I want so badly to believe that people really aren’t as awful as they act. Maybe it was the lure of his outgoing nature that kept me hoping, maybe it was just that our fun time together was so awesome. At a point in our “thing” I had mentioned that we needed to be friends and go from there. A relationship doesn’t work unless there’s a friendship within it, and I wanted to be his friend and not his lover. It just didn’t go with my God walk. I dunno. I do know that friendship wasn’t even a possibility to him. He wanted me to be his and his only, no room for friendship, unfortunately too. Sometimes I miss doing all the cool things we did together. Bowling, golf, tennis, sucking people into our world and then just walking away leaving them feeling as if they had just been on the most exhilarating roller coaster ever (haha). I can miss those things, it’s normal human behavior after all, but I can’t sit in that place.

I truly believe God is working in and on my life, and just as soon as I had broken up one relationship, thinking to myself that I was just going to live and let live, do my thing, be a single woman, in stepped a beautiful and charming, and ever so awesome man named Randy. I was instantly stunned into a stupor and taken so intensely into a world full of God, long conversations, honesty, and devotion, that I was smitten and found myself falling into a love that was far beyond any love that I had ever experienced in my life. Our love is based in and of God. It came from God, there’s no other way of putting it. It’s as if Randy was built exactly to my qualifications. I have always imagined my life with a man who was as on fire and as devoted to God as I, and with the ability to make me feel singled out and important, listened to, like nobody mattered more than me. Randy is that man. How did that happen? I have no frickin idea, but it did and I am loving every single minute of it.

Randy not only is devoted to God, but he is tender and gentle. He writes sweet love things to me each day, and sometimes I get messages from him throughout the day. I love it! He’s just “that guy”. He’s also so much like me it’s crazy. His energy is contagious, he’s funny as all hell, he loves his children like a father should and talks about them with such emotion. It’s refreshing to have someone like that in my life.

Of course, we have dealt with all the normal “of this world” stuff that is sometimes hard to absorb and get over. We are human somewhere in our nooks and cranny’s when we’re not focusing on God. Fortunately, when we get too human, we reel each other back to the safe place – under the umbrella of God’s glory. So awesome!!

We have one glitch and one glitch only – we’re 3000 miles apart. This glitch will be taken care of within the next month. I’m planning on moving my family to where he is and starting a life with him. Scary? You bet your butt it’s scary, but it’s also exciting and so out of the box that it adds a touch of motion picture ambiance to it. I’m sure all of my friends think I’m ab-so-lute-ly insane, but they haven’t mentioned one peep about it. Why? I think it’s because they secretly are hoping that this works and it will restore their faith in love. It’s a love story, right? Yeah…I agree.

Currently, we’re looking for places big enough to fit us, and close enough to the things that help us continue our life in a forward motion and that will make us all happy. He needs to be close to the university, I need to be close to the ocean, mom needs to be able to walk outside unassisted and enjoy the world. I’m still waiting on word from my son, if he’s coming or not, but I’m praying that he will choose to go and start his life with me, all over and brand new. It would be one of the most awesome experiences of his life and one he will always reflect on as a benefit to his life. God’s got it, I’m sure of that. I know God’s got it because He’s my God. Do I hear an Amen?

Phew! I suppose that will be enough for tonight. I am pooped. I need sleep. I need hugs and kisses but that will have to wait for now. I’ll continue this perhaps tomorrow, once I’ve gotten some much needed sleep. My lack of sleep is an entirely new blog to be. Let’s just say that sons are put on this earth to drive us bananas.

Now to publish. I’ve read this twice and from what I can tell, my voice really has changed, and I love it very much.